I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
she's lying on the floor with a bottle of vodka, belting shakira. plz advise.
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
Streaking across a girls college rugby game is probably the best, and most painful, decision I've ever made
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
Everybody at Lexi's party found out I'm both a screamer and a moaner after he ate me out on the pool table downstairs. Just another sunday night in Alaska
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