u sent me just one boob. one just doesnt do it for me. u dont get full on a half a rack of ribs u need a full one
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
The bad decision stars are too close to aligning to risk this tonight.
Everyone threw up but him. I took off my shirt because I puked on it. There were also a lot of drag queens involved.
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
First thing I find in the car I just pick up from my grandpa? A discount card for the strip club down the road from his apartment. The force is still strong.
6 more days and it'll be a year since i slept with him and never went home
so in addition to the two guys I slept with last night, and the third that I turned down this morning, a fourth has appeared. best Valentine's Day ever.
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
twas supposed to be night one of rebound break but it was night one of get sloppy drunk and dance half naked in an ice shack
Randomize
