my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
she must of just birthed a child cause her labia touched the floor
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
Do you think it would be a good idea to mention in my admissions essay that I was the guy that streaked across the soccer field last year?
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
The fact that he said "there's nothing wrong with being a raging drunk, just ask my mother." has me thinking that I have no positive role-models among my friends.
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
I think i just made eye contact with his roommate... while doing reverse cowgirl. Yup i have no shamee
Dad danced on top of the bar with me last night. And has a video of me doing a beer bong.
Randomize
