I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
like we started out all organized and composed and within thirty mins people were throwing up in the bushes, arguing over a beer bong and jumping in the pool with their clothes on
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
I can't believe I came last night staring into my profile pictures eyes.
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
There is what appears to be urine on the woman's bathroom sink. I just have so many questions right now.
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
PS there is a naked boy in my bed and I just left for the bar...
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
Randomize
