im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
she says her boyfriend and her dignity are both out of town tonight
She is totally STD
Is it a bad omen that my phone auto corrects dtf to STD
I only had sex with her cause she looked like jwoww from jersey shore
just threw all of the fireworks into the bonfire. thats why there are firetrucks.
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
I dont think getting to 3rd base with a girl you barely know is the type of memory they had in mind when they named the park "memorial park"
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
All my money is going towards making my vagina hairless
Worth it.
I'm going to be an 8 year old girl down there foreverrrr #fountainofyouth
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
Randomize
