Just so you know you don't have to worry about me picking up any guys tonight. The Hilton is hosting guests from the North American Gay Volleyball Association and the Comic Palooza
The last thing I remembered was laying in the bathtub fully clothed with the shower running while he was picking grilled cheese out of my hair. I couldn't figure out if i was more upset about being soaking wet or the fact that my grilled cheese was in my hair instead of my mouth.
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
I bet it kind of sucks while you do community service I'm getting blown in the shower. haha
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
I appreciate having someone to objectively critique my dick pics.
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
It was some weird herd predator-evasion instinct. All 15 of us took off running in different directions, and the two cops just stood there, perplexed. They had no idea who to chase.
Randomize
