Pregnant stripper...not hot.
He was dressed in cheap leather and smelled like death.
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
whiskey dick. though we did manage to break my closet door and flood the bathroom.
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
It's a special kind of bond when your gay brother takes pics of you topless at a frat party.
well it was naive of you to actually think you're the only bday sex he had lined up for him today. I'm just suprised he actually had a line forming outside of his room
I can't decide if I miss drinking or you, they are so closely connected.
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
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