A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
let's remember the whole point of NYE: to drink antisocial amounts of antisocial drinks, become incoherent, ruin a carpet, talk to a tree, wake up with head sellotaped to toilet. The where/how is superfluous, my vote goes to a cupboard and a bottle of jaeger Questions?
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
He told me his cum shot melted the paint on his bedroom wall and asked if I want to see it
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
Then you guys just all showered together...?
that is our friendship pylon, do not lose it
fuck you.
DO NOT LOSE IT
Well he waved at me as he was leaving so he def noticed the staring, and by staring i mean blatant eye fucking from across the bar..
Randomize
