Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
his balls ACTUALLY tasted like nuts
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.
IM PICKING UP BLOW FOR US STOP WHINING ABOUT SEX
I started sorting laundry at 6 am. He finally got the hint and left
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
She has either a C-Section scar or a bullet wound, I can't quite tell
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
I'm scared to touch anything in this apartment. Even the ceiling.
Like if it it's practical for your sexual health I'm allergic to it AKA REGULAR CONDOMS
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
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