I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
Just a heads up: The party is Fourth of July themed. Spread the word
dude its may
Work with me here, man.
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
If its allowed to Tornado at 830am then Im allowed to have a beer and a cigarette at 830am
the water pistols in the freezer are full of voddka.
Just came so hard my back cracked. Other women are totally missing out if they don't masturbate.
It's whatever. Titanic is about to be on and we have wine, which is basically crying juice. Leo, Kate, and I will be having a lovely, pants free evening.
Hey babe! Random question. Do you by chance have the pic of my nipples covered with ninja turtles band aids? Thanks.
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
FYI, his "son" is a Chihuahua.
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
Randomize
