Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
Seriously man, I'm worried that my dick's going to fall off someday if I keep this up...
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
I found out you can't leave the bar with a drink. I also found out that pouring it on the bouncers shoes is also unacceptable.
New development. Drinking at work is so easy and awesome I might have to do it everyday.
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
It's that "make a Pringle and Twinkie sandwich" kind of depression.
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
No I did not just post a Craigslist ad for a used stripper pole because I can't afford my own. But now that you put the idea in my head I might have to.
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
I'm not gonna plow a chick in front of her 14 year old brother....
she crawled a good forty meters just to whisper in my ear... "dildon't"
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