that john and kate plus 8 dude has ruined asians for me
Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
Being the adderall dealer on campus, I feel responsible for everyone graduating.
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
Really? Uh ohh sounds like a double date with extra stripper funnnn
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
I found pix on her phone of me passed out and her sticking things up my ass. Its over.
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
Randomize
