Do you have a straightener and are extra lubricated condoms not the norm?
for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
He pulled his pants down and said blow me, while passing out on my bed. I then pulled his pants up as he continuously started moaning in the background.
She thought that based on the way she feels that she got drugged last night, but come on, her turn on word is hello, who needs to drug that??
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
We hooked up in his car and afterwards he cried. I think I need to find a new hookup...
I have bits of ceiling fan all over now
I mean if you can't appreciate a good looking dick then just get out.
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
