At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
Well, of course, to the untrained eye I look like a slut.
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
I really couldn't tell if she was disgusted with the fact that I yacked on her shoes, or if she was about to do the same to me.
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
Just smokin in the creek with some deer, they like the smoke, I know.
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
Bachelorette party buss just rolled into down town. DTF, "horny hotties inside" and "show us your dicks" written on the windows....this could get interesting.
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
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