True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
Maybe I need a light up heart over my vagina like Christina aguilera to get the point across
I'll sleep on the bed... The couch is now designated banging area. Any banging performed outside of that area will be subject to fines of cleaning up stains.
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
He's claiming he can open a beer bottle with anything. He's been trying for a while now with a power rangers action figure and he is just cutting the hell out of his hand. There is blood all over billy
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
I ripped off the screen and literally supermaned through my bedroom window. That wasted
Got so high i fell asleep kyaking...for 2 hours.
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
I might have to quit marching band. It's affecting my drinking schedule
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