i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it.
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
I cannot for the life of me remember why I am holding this rabbit.
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
My dick pics could make it to the popular page on Instagram.
Hahahaha .. If it makes you feel better I had a sex dream about a cheeseburger last night so I feel like we both lose.
Randomize
