$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
got blackout drunk at the conference and wandered around Minneapolis with a homeless person until one of the other interns found me...I think I'm ready for adulthood.
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
It looked like his dick was wearing an argyle sweater.
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
Those were some damn good pancakes you made last night.
Dude I've been in FL since Monday.
we all thought you were asleep. he found you an hour later sitting outside in the snow lighting a bowl, singing the CatDog theme song, and hugging a box a Franzia.
Hun your dick isn't big enough for you to be that lame and predictable
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