Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
I have had it with that bitchy sack of crazy. Iam done!
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
I asked what you thought of her and you replied not the biggest I have had
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
"Fwd: Nice to meet you last night thanks for the tit flash" no recollec. i am officially banned from wearing tube tops to the bar.
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
do nipples grow back?
Randomize
