oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
whatever happens this semester dont let me be that girl yacking in the urinal. again.
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
This is your monthly public service announcement that sexual services will temporarily cease from Wednesday night to Monday. Please plan accordingly and have a nice day =D
Well I blew a guy I barely know in full view of a homeless camp. That's pretty tame for me.
I understand why they say don't drink the water in Mexico... I just saw 5 guys piss upstream of where the bar tender went to get the water
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
There comes a point, as I lay on the floor of the work disabled toilets contemplating catching 10 minutes sleep between chunders, that I wonder if its really worth it
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
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