So my boyfriend is on his way over and there is no time to wash the sheets from when I had his roommate over earlier. Put them in the dryer with a damp bounce sheet. Win?
This is a whole new level of slut for you....do they smell ok?
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
We made the bar tender tell us how he proposed to his girlfriend. In detail. While we made gushing noises. We are embarrassments to females everywhere
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
All I've done is masturbate and drink while being home from college.
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
Guess who won a basket of sex toys in front of his parents, aunts, uncles, sister, and cousin...
Randomize
