Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
let's skip the party, and just play drunken wii, again. its time to give my vag a break.
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
But then he started to talk about his wedding he wants and I quote " and yes parts will be choreographed"
This is going to be the summer remembered forever as the giant 3 month long mushroom trip.
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
He ordered three small pizzas while I was giving him head.
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
Randomize
