I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
We need to either drink and not go to waffle house or go to waffle house and not drink. I need to know which is causing these shits.
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
He didn't dress up but kept finding random pieces of costumes on the floor at each club. He was an 80s hair band warrior at the end of the night.
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
8:30 every morning in the third floor bathroom we fuck in the handicap stall. You have your morning workout and I have mine.
I want him to rummage through my vagina. with unwashed hands.
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
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