I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
Def regretting not writing "will blow for extra credit" on my last final
She made me take my shoes off outside her room but she didn't make me wear a condom. I am confused.
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
Well my summer started by me waking up in a tube on the side of the pond this morning with 2 of my friends. So that's good..
I'll send you pictures of my nipples so you don't feel left out.
The last thing I need is a possessed urethra.
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
Just googled myself and a bunch of boob shots of me came up. Apparently my phone automatically uploaded them to my google plus.
Please google me ASAP and ensure I corrected this...
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
We will discuss everything tomorrow i presume. Including the sweaty naked tango.
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
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