my mouth tastes like poor choices
So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
My friend is getting herself a tramp stamp that says "property of the half blood prince".
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
well in DOG beers, i've only had one
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
Well, she chose the fuckboy life or the life chose her. Not sure which one but either way I don't need that negativity in my life.
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
How you run into a glAss door three times in a row I do not know
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