I may or may not have slept in someones apt on your street because they told me I was fun sized like a mini snickers
Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
She has a facebook friends list called oops. theres 33 people in it. she said its all the guys she regrets fucking.
Its only.eleven and we are already chasing a man on a bike with a bag full of burger king
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
I was fucking trucked by the swat team last night on State Street after UK won. But I got a picture with the guy afterwards so I forgive him
I wish I cared about making my vagina as presentable as you do.
she basically told me that her vine videos last longer that I do
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
dude. that's the chick that BIT MY DICK. it doesn't matter how hot you think she is, trust me man.
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