2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
I mean I had a leg brace. It would have been irresponsible for me to be on top.
There is ecstasy everywhere. Get over here right no5w. The 5 is silent.
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
she's just been through a whole lot lately. When the crazy starts leaking out we give her vodka and lock her in the room with all the pillows.
so that's what that room is for...
I walked around with red solo cups on my feet, weeds tied around my neck and a tree in my hand
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
What's dad's email?
askmom@cause.idk
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
Randomize
