Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
so i'm sitting in his room drinking tequila from the bottle and watching harry potter. he's jacking off to some porn a couple feet away from me. at one point i look over and see that he's watching me instead of the porn. please help me figure out how warped it is that i found that romantic
At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
I put a zucchini in my pussy for you
Started mixing booze directly into the 2 liters and carrying them around. Mixing less often, and now kind of weightlifting,so double effecient.
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
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