im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
it was all good until he screamed "for fraaannnceee" on his last thrust
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
No, your dick is problems. Anyone you fuck haunts us for the rest of the semester. If you need to get laid, I'll personally drive you out of state.
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
To be honest. I have two poptarts in my jacket pockets. No one knows. I am pro stealth.
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
so horny i almost want to text him..and then i remember the restraining order i have against him
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
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