My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
You threw up. And every time you flushed you would wave and go "Bye Bye!" and then when the new water came you would greet it with "Helloooo!"
I'm at the house listening to vengaboys alone. Please come home.
What happened?....
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
He said i got a new job lets blow this money he bought 4 bottles at the club he is now crying after seeing the reciept
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
He has started theming his dick pics. I have one he sent his duck has a sombrero on. Another a Barbie is riding it.
I just masterbated to the Lets Get Ready To Rumble theme
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
Randomize