my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
Apparently I climbed into a dryer last night and refused to leave... There are pictures to prove it
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
Vodka shot parachutes
Fucking utilizing a thrid story dorm room
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
Good. We don't answer calls at dick thirty.
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
Well, if worst comes to worst, I have pictures of his penis that I can put on the internet
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
I’ll always remember that day you sent me that random nude on accident lmao changed my life
Randomize
