My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
Underwear, t-shirt, bottle of Pinot Grigio and Golden Girls. I've hit a new level of homosexual.
let's just say if he has a penis and he hypothetically needs to put it somewhere... i would take care of that for him.
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
i'll booty call him tonight after the radiohead concert, that way he can see his favorite band and his favorite vagina all in one night.
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
Please tell me you're not home alone watching Glitter.
Can you see in?
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
when you shit yourself on the way to school its time to give up and go home
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
Randomize
