Come get meeee. I'm stranded in the middle of no where with Paul (?). I think u puked on his friend.
i got lost in a forest last night. this morning I realized the "forest" was just 6 trees on campus.
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
Another Sunday, another 100 chicken nuggets
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
I woke up half naked on the floor next to his bed, and his cat was staring at me like it had seen everything that i myself don't remember..
Debating going to the grocery store with my vibrator still in, cause I can't stand the idea of it out. Lets do some risk/reward
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
do you ever just look around and think about how great it is to have depth perception? Like it's really, really cool when u think about it
I now have a other guy willing to drive 3 hours for my vagina. At my next gyno appointment I'm asking her if there's cocaine in there.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
Randomize
