i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
maybe facebook could make a notification like "someone tagged a photo of that guy you used to bang and still think is really hot with his shirt off"
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
when I called the strip club they said there was a note with my credit card. "girl who punched guy in throat" fuck daytona
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
Randomize
