I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
Yes, I fucked her, no she wasn't that loose, yes she caused more drama than a 14 year old girl
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
He texted me for drugs this time. Not sex. I dunno if I should be pleased it's not sex or disappointed that I come across as a druggie
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
sea world and a strip club? BEST DAY EVER!
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
where the fuck are you? she just tazed two people and we're tripping shrooms...successful first night in new apartment!
just drove past - why are you walking towards the shop in your pyjamas?
Can't talk, on a quest for bacon.
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
Randomize
