Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
Ask Niel how long his lasts if he plays with it a lot.
he says 15-20 minutes depending on the porn.
no his phone, idiot.
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
it's like heaven, but drunker
How was the rest of your night?
A little fuzzy and a lot naked.
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos?
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
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