I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
we are torturing ourselves with these mediocre cocks
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
98% is good enough for me. Kinda like birth control. Worth the risk
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
The last thing I remember is teaching our waffle house waitress to do the stanky leg and promising the grill cook we would come see him at his other job.
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
I made out with a dude last night who has an ex wife. Is this what post grad life is about?
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
he took my bra off with his teeth, THEN decided he just wanted to make out and cuddle. i don't know what the female version of blue balls is, but i've been living with it since 1 a.m.
Doing the walk of shame from the back of a Jeep to the porta potty it's parked next to while your dad watches is not what you want.
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
Randomize
