I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
while fucking on the counter the whip cream was conveniently right next to us. i love thanksgiving
He's a fan of Alicia Keys on Facebook. It doesn't NEED to say 'interested in men'.
why is allison so mad at me??
me and her walked into dans and you yelled "hello my dear alli, you're looking mighty overweight today!".
crap..
Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
Please stop using the dehumidifier for your weed.
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
Nope not happening. When I close my eyes the floor moves. I'm going to enjoy this free roller coaster.
He gave me a script of norcos and touched my balls so overall it's been a good day.
I just thought about how many drinks I had last night and threw up.
Randomize
