my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
Before I left he asked me if I could submit my panties for the frat house undergarment chandelier. I said yes
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
Were playing beruit winners pelt losers with eggs
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
i hope youre ready for a shit show because we just ordered a whole pitcher of red headed sluts
Running errands with mom, cool. Coming to pleasures with mom for her valentines night, not ever in a million years cool.
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌️
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
He's like a sexy bearded lumberjack who likes wine.. I can't lose..
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
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