margs and chips and queso make the world go round
well and inertia
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
He needs to realize that there's a big difference between "I love you" and "I love your dick"
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
i think she just faxed a picture of her vag from the office copy machine... i mean what kind of sexting is that... wait is that even legal???
You were running around waving the flier in everyone's face and thats how we ended up in a church eating free breakfast tacos at 3 am
Don't pretend you don't want to dance on the edge of overdose all three nights
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
Randomize
