We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
I want to be ashamed of the things we do this weekend
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
You grabbed my dick don't call me son
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
Randomize
