So my shaver died while I was trimming...ya know. And now it is half way done. I don't think there's currently any aesthetic in keeping it this way...
And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
tried to be sexy and unbutton his shirt with my teeth. ended up slobbering all over it. thank god he was already passed out
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
I miss being able to drink at 11am just cause it was sunny outside.
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
I have to finish a biography for history and write a review on it so naturally I was like "getting high will make this more bearable" and now I'm basically inside the book at the revolutionary war with this guy.
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
Not sure but if it exists I will find it and I will fill my face with it
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
I'm sitting here with a band aid on my labia, this is a first
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