i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
yes we were fucking thats why i put "watching a movie" in quotations
My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
And when I say "complete whore" I mean I could possibly make a shameful profit by wearing this.
Its like after 6 beers, the clap doesn't scare me anymore.
We were having sex and his high flatmates stood outside his room playing the guitar and singing Somebody to Love by Justin Beiber. Weirdest night ever.
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
Antibacterial soap and prayers does not for spermicide make
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
I had to explain to the doctor why I'm peeing blood. He still didn't believe a girl would have that much sex... You could feel the judgement forming in the room when I went into the details...
Damn, well a girls gotta get laid too
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
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