White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
I can dry shave vagina like a champ
Somehow it went from suicide to pierced nipples. I think we're good.
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
I think I just read the whole internet. Front to back.
Randomize
