Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
Is it bad that I stopped wanting to fuck her as soon as I noticed she had dry skin?
I sometimes completely doubt that you're straight.
Absence makes the cock grow harder.
you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
we ended up on her 9 year old brothers bed and he saw the whole thing.... now he will know how to use his equipment
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
I'm not entirely sure how getting 'house drunk' turned into us getting trashed, being serenaded by karaoke and going out. But it needs to happen again.
also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
My mute roommate is using sign language to ask a guy to fuck her.
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
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