god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
I can handle NPR. I speak hippie. I took it in college.
The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
Topless bubble bath with a lesbian is debatable as a gay experience.
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
Haha sweet. I'm being the Mad Hatter. I'll be drinking out of a tea cup all night. Or at least until I inevitably lose it, break it, or use it as a weapon.
his first fb message to me in 3 years was "is your cock open for business?" im blocking him
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
After you punched me you ran away and it took an hour to find you... On the wrong floor... Sitting alone saying "it doesnt make sense"
Randomize
