omg. don't know how to spell his name, but hot new zealand guy's dick is magic
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
I woke up naked on the bathroom floor. the tile grout marks on my boobs hurt, i mananged to use a roll toilet paper as a pillow. never again. did we eat salad?
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
Concert was great. Tackled the lead singer. Met him afterwards. He was cool about it.
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
Randomize
