Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
Random 1st period thought: do you think she could put "had a threesome" on her resume?
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
Just follow the currents of life. And if they take me on to a guys dick, so be it.
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
We joked about how funny it would be if he got pulled over with 300 breakfast burritos in hus car. We walk outside of the school just as the police lights turn on and pull him over
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
There they were doing the deed on the beach, looked like two seagulls fighting over a chicken bone.
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