Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
I served up a girl her first a2m the other day. You would have been proud.
RJ thinks I should put one of the muffins in my vagina. Good idea or bad idea?
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
we cant have a funnel and a dog. thats a lot of responsibility
If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
i just want a position where we can lock up like some sort of sexual megatron and go the whole night that way
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
Currently tripping balls and watching Pink Floyd the wall and I'm crying during it. If this isn't a self realization then I don't know what to tell you.
we promised ourselves we wouldn't get too drunk, and what happens? I wake up the next morning with half a mcdouble in one pocket and some barbie clothes in the other.
Randomize
