Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
oh fat girl friday strikes again...
woke up rolled in a yoga mat listening to enya. I'm never going back to Oregon ever again.
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
I am an advanced cybernetic robot sent back in time to 2013 to fuck my wife senseless for hours on end. Have you seen this wife?
Eddy, if you don't want to roll play then say so. This is just obnoxious
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
I did put on a shirt to start the night, right?
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