Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
For future references, orgasms clear sinuses.
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
You know what would make the espn body photos even better? If anyone knew who any of those fucking athletes were. That, and maybe not feature Gary Player.
I was hooking up with him and then someone banged on the door and shouted "When you get the chance, will you put the weed on the veranda?"
Double check your contract and see if it says anything about sleeping with your manager
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
Did you make it home alright?
No I'm sitting under a tree by a cricket. He's alone crying out for someone to Fuck him. This guy gets me.
So chicken strips and confidence do not you make you sober.
Randomize
