just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
guy just got out of the car at the drive in and told his girlfriend "fuck you and your taco" and walked off
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
I sense lesbianism
That's a weird power
I am far too sober to understand you right now. sorry.
Randomize
