Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
I looked at my own cervix.
We owe the rent and you're unemployed...you're in no financial position to flirt with cocaine addiction.
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
You weren't lying about those ceramics students giving the best hand jobs.
The bathroom is trashed. Someone took down all the rings of the shower curtain and Scott threw up on the curtain liner. All the soap and shampoo is in the guest bedroom and the lightbulbs are in a drawer. And there are vom footprints.
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
Stripper pole. Sore legs. More vaca money.
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
Randomize
