just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
he keeps commenting everything on my facebook. it's like he's virtually peeing on me
You're such a slut.
I prefer opportunist.
counting down the days left of school on my birth control packet.
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
if we dont hook up this weekend, im doing both his roommates
She suggested that I come visit her in Europe and hook up with the heteroflexible Korean who sits next to her in class. Polylove is the best love.
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
He's going to be my graduation present to myself.
Please hurry up and come back. This is so awkward. He's showing me banana videos.
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
Randomize
