It's like God shit irony all over that family
This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
Yeah. We was talkin. Its ok. My bed is too filled with pam for sex. Its like a slip and slide of butter product.
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
do to the flooding of the park, there will be a midnight bikini mud wrestling party behind my dorm. all are welcome.
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
I've made out with more people in 2014 than I did the whole fall semester
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
Randomize
