I had a talk with my mom about respecting myself and not acting like a whore so she will rip my nose ring out if she somehow sees that picture
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
she was like the girl next door.. if you lived next door to a whorehouse
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
Where are you?! I require drunk, males and possibly crying. Vomiting is optional and/or optimal as is karaoke.
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
it's like his dick is making a u-turn.
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
Oh. So it is a cult
Basically. But a nice cult. They eat muffins and talk about fundraising.
Randomize
