the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
stop calling my apartment porn island.
You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
is asking a girl out on a date while in another girls bed in poor taste?
hey girl hope you're alright, you hit that tree really hard. have a good night.
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
Currently playing beer pong versus the girl i lost my virginity to.....and her mom
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
Idk... he wears anklets.. i dont think i can get past that.
Don't put me in that position. I am not qualified to be the responsible adult here.
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
hypothetically, what's the best method to remove an stray semen gob from a roommate's important school document?
Right before he dumped me... he got a really ugly pair of pants. They were twill pants. A pinkish color. When I'm sad... I picture him in them. It makes me smile.
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