did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
I had sex on an exercise ball. The inevitable has occurred.
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
I have poison ivy and a broken finger. Don't have a threesome in the woods.
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
How ironic... opening your legs for closure.
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