drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
just got caught singing "pop that pussy" by a very old man at work. *face palm*
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
If he's gonna send me dick pics; he should at least zoom in to make it look bigger.
At least your road beer policy is responsible. Well, relatively speaking.
Life should not be this hard with a dick this big.
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
Randomize
