p.s. this guy just tipped me with ecstasy pills. is this real life
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
well right now he's telling us a story how he befriended a racoon
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
Are you scared? I basically plan on us looking like giant drunk skittles
Well I disagree, 3 different men in my bed over my birthday was the perfect way to say goodbye to my childhood innocence
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
But I mean, have you ever just LOOKED at how majestic penises are? They are like ivory columns of pure wonder!
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
fucked him on the porch to avoid the chanting that always happens when we leave the bedroom. backfired when a group of freshman walked by and started screaming like fucking babies.
Randomize
