i'm starting to get pissed at how pandora is trying to force coldplay on me
hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
if you're not jumping for joy when you see penis then you're looking at the wrong ones.
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
Randomize
