i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
how can i change my meal plan to a keystone plan?
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
That's right. I did.
You are the saddest 25 year old gay man I've ever had the displeasure of knowing.
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
Randomize
