I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
This fat girl in front of me just got on the bus to go 2 blocks. Do you think she ever wonders why shes fat?
A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
I lost my virginity in that bed. You just layed in history.
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
So I just did the math and everything in this room except the computer and my clothes has been in my vagina
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
I hate having to put a bra on before I go home cuz I have to pretend I actually went to class today
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos
Lets just say the phase, What a dick, has a whole new meaning at the urinals.
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
Randomize
