I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
They've started ranking girls from "paper-bag" to "I just came." Please come get me
So I missed her say 'don't' before 'come in me'. She felt what was happening and freaked - which actually made the moment 100x better.
I was wondering where I've seen this kid then I remembered I saw him doing lines of blow of his gf's leg while she was sleeping last week.
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
The cops caught them pow wowing in the teepee at the entrance of the golf course at 5 am. But were still missing someone.
My parents just out drank me... I cant get back to college soon enough
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
Should I give the penis ring toss game to good will or garbage
Of course his mom thinks you're nice, she doesn't know you have sex for cheeseburgers
One time!! I like sex and food....
so i went to the bathroom and my thong was on sideways... i guess that solves the mystery
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