you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
I ended up in bed with a man from London in a sorority wing I am not apart of. Tequila fucks you up
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
It's barely past noon, how am I already talking about double penetration
long story short, the bouquet was used as a sacrificial torch
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
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