Why don't you ever send me any naked pics
No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
threw up in the kitchen showroom. home depot employee of the month.
She kept grabbing my head and told my faces to stop shaking.. Also, she kept whispering something about seeing flowers in my eyes.
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
Lets play hurricane shelter. And the shelter is my bed, and we forgot our clothes.
Dude. You dropped to your knees and face planted into the rocks. And continued to talk on the phone and laugh. That's where those cuts came from.
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
i made out with his shirt. MDMA, man.
It's slightly odd going to a booty call during morning rush hour with everyone else going to work.
Randomize
