This guy has a retainer. We're golden.
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
I don't remember anything other than how good it felt when I peed my pants.
eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
His 12 year old sister has bigger boobs than me and now that's all I can think about when we have sex
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
Black magic does not go near my vagina, it's a rule
YOU CANT JUST BLOW GUYS BC THEY’RE NICE TO YOU LEXI
I CAN IF I WANT TO
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
Randomize
